It’s over, I have nothing, but why is there a part of me which feels so damn good?


She awoke and went up to the kitchen, her little dog in convulsions of happiness that someone was up. He stretched and ran to the back door, knowing that she’d walk to the gate to bring in the post and he could have hundred’s of sniffs and maybe a pee and a pooh. Before unlocking the back door the kettle made the usual rumble as it began to heat up and she pulled on a rain jacket over her night clothes (the beauty of living in the country).

It used to be exciting going to collect the post as you never knew what would arrive. Nowadays though this was often a dreaded journey as more and more solicitors letters arrived each day. The economic downturn which was supposedly getting better was still far away from the average person, house re-possessions were increasing every month, small businesses closing or just about staying open…….most owners on the breadline as the challenges of the previous years had eaten away all the buffer of any profits, savings or policies. And as for the private pensions, well that was about as hilarious as the new Harry Hill movie.

She opened the post box and sure enough among the letters was a serious one, and not unexpected. With anxiety she opened the envelope and this was the straw that was about to break the camels back. The bank was moving and swiftly. Her stomach lurched and head pounded. After all the years of pouring heart and soul and everything else into a business there was nothing left. Everything had been tried, but the last few years of personal challenge had finished it off. Now there were no other tricks that could be tried, it was over.

She went inside to call her solicitor friend to have a quick chat, and as she thought it was as it was……….this was it. She felt strange, almost elated as if she didn’t have to try anymore, the days of facing up to creditors coming through the doors would be over and no more persistent phone calls when there was absolutely nothing she could do. She couldn’t pay if there was no money coming in, she barely had enough to live on each week. But this initial elation was soon replaced with fear, anxiety, nausea and a feeling of helplessness.

Today several weeks later, she looks back over that morning and the following days, she realises that in some ways it was the best thing that ever happened as her hand was forced to make changes. She had to move, she had to deal with this as no-one else could.

The business is now gone and her income is small but the headaches are gone. She has stopped beating herself up as she had not done anything wrong. There is a charge on her home from the bank but she can live with that. She can live with not being able to book holidays or go to fancy restaurants because those things had fallen away over the years anyway, as there was no money.

In hindsight she is living as she had been living for quite a few years. The difference is she no longer has to hide, she is free.